My biggest fear when I first started college was not dancing. I realized towards the end of my senior year of high school this beautiful gift of movement was handed to me each and every day. I never thought twice about paying for a dance class or worrying if I had the time to fit one into my schedule. Both were a given.
My first year of college I cried to my mom almost every day about how much I miss dance. I felt like I was losing all my technique, I missed the routine of my daily ballet class, I craved the feeling of performing my heart out to a bunch of strangers, and most of all I missed all of the people I danced with, my friends, my teacher… the community. Although I was taking a jazz class twice a week (which turned out to be one of my favorite classes and professor in the long run). Going from dancing almost 30 hours a week to only 4 was a really, really, really, REALLY hard shift.
But as someone who doesn't know how to sit still, I took all this energy welling up inside me and decided to put it into filling other buckets of activities. I picked up rock climbing, dedicated more time to yoga and fitness which inspired me to get my CPT, started going to open gym which reignited my gymnastics arch, dove deeply into running, and when I could, stood up for a good 7 seconds on my surfboard.
These other activities have allowed me to have some of the most awesome adventures and meet so many new people. I’ve discovered the power of releasing energy in other forms, and have found so much joy in it.
It’s been healthy I think to take it a bit easier on dance by only doing it 2-3 days a week and explore other forms of movement, and while I have participated in lots of shows at UCSD, they never really left me with the same feeling that I got in high school, I always felt like I could dance more, and push myself further.
Until-New Directions 2025. (Thank you Cece Carton)
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Cece was always someone I looked up to lots in the dance department, she brought so much love, light and laughter into every room, and took a handful of dance classes each quarter***** . I was already looking forward to being in her piece because I knew I was going to love the choreography and the cast-I just didn’t know I would love both so much.
Each rehearsal I felt like I became closer with everyone in the cast, I truly treasured everyone's story, I was inspired by everyone in the room.
Somehow the 9 weeks passed by in a blink of an eye and suddenly we made it to tech. The worst week because you are now locked behind stage 6-11pm for five days in a row, but also the best week because the bonding that exists behind the dance doors is unmatched. My friend Ella and I were talking about how dance friendships are the most vulnerable and raw out of any other type of friendship, I think it’s because there is no front in the dance studio, dance is the space that allows us to be our truest selves. That’s why we do it.
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I started to feel the heaviness of the year ending around the middle of tech, realizing that I didn’t want this to be my last time dancing with so many of my senior dance friends. But I also didn’t believe it was the end-something about it still didn’t feel like the end of the year, I at least wanted there to be so much more time.
The first hint I got to this show being so special was how nervous I was the day of the first performance. My appetite was gone, I felt shaky, and my stomach was in knots. But when I started dancing with everyone in the cast I love so much, I felt so full.
I really don’t know how else to explain it.
Dancing a piece you love so much surrounded by people you love even more is like speaking a whole new language with the people who you are surrounded by only understand. It’s like swimming in a river with the sun soaking onto your skin and the water carrying you down a path you just somehow trust, it’s like hugging the most special person in your life times 10000, it's like finally finding the word that has been on the tip of your tongue your whole life.
It's everything.
As we moved through the performances I wasn’t only feeling fulfilled by the piece I was in, but also inspired by others I was watching. As I hyped the other dances backstage I realized I had a deep desire to do more. I suddenly missed the feeling backstage of changing costumes in a matter of seconds, being so high on adrenaline that no matter how out of breath I was it carried me into the next piece, or having three different alter egos in my back pocket for three different pieces. I missed it all so much.
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The last show came all so suddenly, I cried in my room watching a video of the performance the night before realizing I wouldn’t be able to hug Lauren the same way again, have Jill give me a ride home, or laugh with Ella before we went on. I was going to miss it.
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I smiled and cried throughout the dance and hugged everyone extra tight.
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The last time I fell into a dance spiral* was my senior year of high school. I forgot how intense the feeling is. But I also know, with time it will pass, and soon I will be able to look back on Spring Quarter of my sophomore year and smile at the thought of this dance and this cast.
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While I know I won’t be able to dance to My Way by Frank Sinatra with the same group of amazing people ever again, I am once again reminded by how much I need dance. This feeling of fulfillment and love is possible to access, and now more than ever I want to tap into it again, again, and again.
I still want to climb, surf, and flip. Run, lunge, and chaturanga. There is still so much space and room for that.
But most of all I want to dance- more than anything-I want to dance with people I love.
*****this sounds like Cece is dead????? She is very much alive, just a graduated senior ... .sad.
*continuously watching the dance video back, bringing the dance up to your family, not believing it is over, scrolling not on social media but the shared album instead etc.
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