The Summers That Have Been Imperfect.

When the school year comes to a close, and the sweet smell of the freedom of summer comes near, I often find that a weight begins to sit on my shoulders, the need for every second to be perfect.

In the months leading up to break I write bucket lists and Pinterest the ideal summer break: seeing friends every day, going to the beach multiple times per week, having my dream summer job, traveling to new locations and so on. Of course I end up doing a lot of these items, and I always can look back with fond memories.

But I think there is also something to be said when I realize it’s August 1st, and  feel like that summer bucket list is a lot more of a dream than a reality. I guess one can say this is just life in general: “When you have a plan God laughs” or however that saying goes. But for some reason I notoriously feel this sense of time fleeting and not doing enough in summer.

College summers are weird, my friends are scattered across the world, we all have different working schedules, I’m happy to be back home and spending time with my family, but then I start missing school. It almost feels like I'm vacationing on a boat, it’s relaxing and I have all the time in the world, yet I’m limited only to the sea… so how much can I really do.

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Sometimes I look back at the past 3 summers and I laugh for it seems I have been a different person in each one. The summer of 2023, I was a gymnastics coach for little kids at my old gymnastics gym 5 days a week 8-3pm. I loved working with the little ones, but some mornings I woke up desperately wanting to quit. At the end of the day my social battery felt so drained I couldn’t imagine spending time with any friends, I just wanted to go home and do my own things: workout, eat, read, watch Youtube, tan. And so that's what I did.

When I get into a routine, I tend to stick to it, I become wary of any change that can throw me off course.  This particular summer 2 years ago, I relied on my routine so heavily, I became satisfied with being with myself most days. But at the end of the summer I remember thinking: Why didn’t I see my friends more?

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Last summer I stayed in New York for two months by my self as a Program Counselor for a  New York Times Program I did in High School. The connections I made here were perhaps some of the greatest connections I have made. I am still close friends with so many of my coworkers and look back at our moments on and off the clock with such fondness. But the riginmeneted routine I created limited myself once again. I wish I spent less time working out, taking dance classes and stressing about working out and taking dance classes and more time embracing the exciting summer culture of New York. Even if that meant I slept in, stayed up late, or got lost in the city.  At the end of the summer I remember thinking: Why didn’t I spend more time doing fun and exciting things outside of my comfort zone?

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This summer I didn’t get the summer internship I thought I would, and I had to adjust to living in a space that felt unfamiliar, I was home but not home all at once.

The first couple weeks all I was doing was stressing. Stressing about not having a job, about not being able to do fun experiences because I wouldn’t have the money to do so, and constantly worrying that I made the wrong decision. But I knew I didn’t want to spend my summer wallowing in what should have been. While it may seem cliche to some I reframed my mindset with knowing that I am exactly where I need to be, opportunities I can’t even fathom are in my future, but the first step is being grateful and happy with where I am at, Why not take advantage of this summer of freedom and slowness, and see what comes.

I vacationed in Encinitas with my family.

I had the best pet sitting job I could ask for in San Diego.

I had another pet sitting job in Altadena.

I found my ballet spark again.

I climbed and played tennis consistently.

I stayed on a farm for two weeks with one of my best friends and had an adventure I would have never expected (both good and bad) but most of all learned so much about myself.

And now I’m 30 minutes from landing in Hawaii with my family. (Spoiler, the trip was amazing).

At the end of the summer all I am thinking is how happy and grateful I am for every second of it. Even if it is nothing like I imagined it.

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Sometimes I look back at these past three summers and laugh at the different eras of myself. I like that I sometimes feel like a chameleon, constantly changing my colors as I enter a new environment. It makes me excited for the next summers that are upon me.

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If you were to ask me a few months ago if I could go back and change each summer and make it exactly as I wanted it- I would immediately say yes. But the past few weeks something has changed with in me. Each summer, taught me so much about myself.

What I like, where I want to live, what I want to do, what people I want to surround myself by, what food my stomach can handle (thank you Portland, but I will gladly stick to my soy milk).

Although working at the gymnastics summer camp was hard and exhausting reminded me how much I love to work with little kids and how happy they make me.

Although I didn’t spend as much time as I wanted with my friends that same summer it taught me the importance of friendships in college.

Although I had FOMO of not doing gymnastics anymore, it reminded me that I can still flip around at open gym on Tuesdays at UCSD.

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While I didn’t soak up every second of the city while I was staying in New York last summer, I learned to be present and grateful for exactly where I am in life-instead of always chasing the next thing.

While I wish I spent a bit less time and money on dance classes, I wouldn’t take any of those dance classes back, because there is no better feeling in my heart than dancing.

While I discovered that New York is not a place I could live, I made some of the best friendships with my coworkers.

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Even though I wasn’t adding a Media and Marketing Internship to my resume, I was able to focus more time and creativity on my food and fitness Instagram.

Even though I wasn’t making an hourly wage this summer, I got to pet sit two awesome dogs and 3 awesome cats (I love petsitting).

Even though I had to leave the Portland farm a few days earlier than I wanted, I got to make some of the best memories with my friend Rena, and reiterated once again that San Diego is my favorite city.

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Maybe this is a long way of saying “Everything works out eventually” “You are on the right path” “Trust the Universe, God, whatever you believe in”.

Maybe it's a long way of saying that we really never know when life will end. So be around people that make you happy, and treat yourself with love, sipping in every second life has to offer while we are here.

But it’s also a reminder that all the perfectness we see on Instagram, Linkden, and Youtube, is all just a BIG FAT HIGHLIGHT REEL!!!! AND YES I KNOW WE ALL KNOW THAT!!! BUT THAT”S THE WHOLE POINT!!!

SO KEEP POSTING YOUR AWESOME MATCHA

KEEP SHARING YOU AWESOME VACATION TO EUROPE

KEEP SPREADING THE NEWS OF THE NEW INTERNSHIP YOU GOT.

But also. Remember that we all cry into our pillows thinking we are not doing enough.

We all look back on our summers wishing we did more more more.

We all look forward to the next point in our life, thinking everything will be perfect once we get THERE.

But it never is.

And it never will be.

It’s all so imperfect.

It’s always never what we expect.

But it always, at some point and in some way shape or form, leads us to places, people, and opportunities we never could even dream of.

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I hope your summer was also imperfect, and I hope the rest of your life is too.