What The F*ck is a Calorie?

What The F*ck is a Calorie? 

The definition of a calorie according to Webster's dictionary:

 “The amount of heat required at a pressure of one atmosphere to raise the temperature of one gram of water one degree Celsius that is equal to about 4.19 joules —abbreviation cal

 also gram calorie, small calorie. 

Or 

the amount of heat required to raise the temperature of one kilogram of water one degree Celsius : 1000 gram calories or 3.968 Btu —abbreviation Cal

 called also large calorie

Or 

a unit equivalent to the large calorie expressing heat-producing or energy-producing value in food when oxidized in the body

Or 

 an amount of food having an energy-producing value of one large calorie”.

What I think a calorie is

“Something in food that fills me up, gives me energy, and makes me gain weight.”

I can’t remember the exact moment I looked at a nutritional label and found such utter discomfort in the numbers that scream ‘ONLY 100 CAL PER SERVING’. But I do remember getting sour skittles from a vending machine before lacrosse practice and realizing a whole pack has 200 cal. I do remember sneaking oreos with my best friend and counting how many I would eat in my head to keep note of how many calories I was eating. I do remember seeing a pack of pasta that said there are 8 servings per container. A pound of pasta fed my family of five, so how many calories worth of pasta was I eating?

I don’t remember the exact day when I decided to measure exactly one tablespoon of peanut butter, fearing that my body couldn’t intuitively spoon the amount I wanted. I don’t remember the first time I pulled out the calculator in my phone and desperately tried to calculate the amount of calories in my oatmeal. I don’t remember looking at CPK’s dinner menu and questioning how everything could be over 500 calories. 

I don’t remember the how or why. I just know the memories. 

The memories of the numbers. 

The numbers that became my anthem. 

The numbers that still talk in the back of my ear. That seem impossible to get rid of.

Whether I like it or not (I actually hate it) calories are a concept of food I think about daily. They are the first thing I think of when I drool about my meals in the morning and the last thing I think when I relay my meals of my day before bed.

They are the answer when my stomach is too full. 

They are the answer when my stomach is too hungry.

As I consume my caloric needs of the day, the numbers my plate is composed of begin to consume me. 

Something I truly care so little for, seems to take up half of my daily brain energy. 

In truth,I don’t care about counting calories. I don’t care to measure out every gram of oat, every leaf of lettuce or every drop of milk. I couldn’t care less about my end amount of calories each day, the whole idea seems mind boggling and I think the majority of the population can relate.

Let’s be real here. 

Who the f*uck has time to calorie count?

But in the same universe, when did I become so keenly aware that two tablespoons of peanut butter is equal to two cups of strawberries, and one Nature Valley granola bar is the same as ¾ cup of granola. When did it concern me that a Del Taco burrito has 800 calories, and that a cup of greens only has 30? 

Like many questions I ask, my answer resorts back to the good ol’ I DON'T KNOW. 

But perhaps, this ‘not knowing’ is just what we need to heal the relationship between humans and food. 

Just maybe, in the concept of food’s nutritional value, ignorance is bliss. 

See, I think knowing calories gives us a relief of the unknown surrounding food. With the complex relationship food has become, many of us in the 21st century just love to have control over it. We love to ‘know’ what we are putting in our bodies, to ‘know’ how much we are putting in, and how much we are burning off. But the hilarious thing is calories are inherently, in their core, just another concept we have created.

Some actual facts about calories:

The FDA allows food nutrition labels to be off up to 20%

Each individual gut microbiome breaks down calories at different speeds.

Our metabolisms all process and burn the food we eat differently depending on a world of factors.

In other words. 

Calories are a load of bullsh*t.

A load of bullsh*t that we created.

A load of bullsh*t that we devour. 

Here’s step one to start cleaning this bullsh*t up: pour yourself a bowl of cereal, the amount that you actually want, not what the box says.