A Kid Eats a Churro at the San Diego Zoo

This blog/website/portfolio/writing space started as a food journal. I started it my senior year in January. It’s funny because the first few pieces I publish talk a lot about one’s relationship to food-our weird attachment, stress, and comparison we all feel around meal times. A lot of what I wrote was about not caring about calories, or eating the damn cake, or cultivating a healthy relationship around food one can say. But at the time of writing these I was in the depths of an Eating Disorder and a wave of depression. I don’t talk about struggling with an Eating Disorder much, I don’t like to mention it because I fear I am drawing attention to myself, for something that maybe wasn’t as bad as it could be. Or I am curating a problem that could be self-fixed, thus it is not a true problem-because many struggle with actual disorders they cannot control. 

But recently I’ve chosen to detach from this identity. I have struggled with an Eating Disorder. Twice in my life. I know this because I isolated myself from multiple social events that I could have enjoyed if I didn’t have the rule of needing to workout, or not eat on Fridays. I know this because I fainted in front of my brother. I know this because it hurt to lie down on a dance floor. I know this because I lost my period for 4 years. I know this because I chewed on 10 pieces of gum per day. I know this because I forgot dance choreography when I should have known it. I know this because when I was talking to friends about weekend plans, taking a test in AP Psych, doing plies in the beginning of class the only thing on my mind was food. What I ate that day. What I could fit in for dinner. If I was any skinnier than yesterday. Could I see one more spine vertebrae? Could I pull my belt loop tighter? Are my thighs fat? And the point is, you don’t have to meet any of this criteria to have had an Eating Disorder. Yours could have looked completely different from mine. And it gets tricky when this concept of disordered eating comes into play-something now with social media I believe everyone struggles with-or has at some point. But a distinction I think is when food begins to attack  your life. My brain 99% of the time-was food. And although I knew I was sick-my competitive nature swore I could get sicker. I wanted to beat me from the day before, if I ate less, If I was less, I would win. I would win, I would win. 

Now the start of the blog was also interesting due to what every dancer knows as “The Post Show Depression”. The Nutcracker had become my identity since August of senior year. My weekends were spent with 5-7 hour rehearsals each day, my life after school consisted of dance, and for the brief moments I was on stage-my mind was finally taken away from food, and focused on love-movement-and breath. But as I wrote my first piece in January-my mind was swollen with thoughts. The Latter part of my winter break was spent in bed crying, scrolling through pictures from the show and listening to the Nutcracker soundtrack and the first week back to school was dull and boring as the seniors began that awkward period of unknown after having submitted all their college apps. So truthfully- I was bored. And I resorted to writing-something I hadn’t touched or practiced consistently in a while-but I was inspired by a few friends and thought it couldn't hurt. 

Although I didn’t really begin recovering from my ED until February, looking back at these first few pieces now have made me consider that these seem like the start of healing. Subconsciously, I think my brain and soul were ready to let go. Although I wasn’t physically practicing recovery yet, the words I typed out onto a document about cake and calories and peanut butter allowed me to release some of these rules, realize their stupidity, and want to live again. 

This piece isn’t about food, or my Eating Disorder by the way- I don’t like to stay hooked on it-because while I know that storyline will always be a part of me-I don’t like to reminisce on something like that-when right now, I have so much life surrounding me. 

The quarter system is a strange one. These past 10 weeks, but especially the last five have felt like moment after moment of realization that life has no rhyme or reason. Just because something good happens doesn’t mean you're screwed to fail your final, just because you’ve been going through a rough time doesn’t mean Jesus is gonna come down and light your way with miracles or what not. It’s all just happening, and instead of trying to keep life at some equilibrium, I'm more taking on the approach of homeostasis: constantly sending feedback and response mechanisms in order to stay in a relatively steady state. In order to do that I must go to the cold plunge and sauna. I must sprint and walk, I must read, and calculate some numbers. I’ve gotta enjoy it all. 

This is what this piece is about. Doing things because life is interesting and awesome and weird and hard and cool and really makes no sense, it all is just gut instinct, connection, and  fulfillment from what we love. Love. I’ve realized it all boils down to that. Why you may ask? (I am well aware you may not be asking this, of course love is the answer yada yada) but truly, do we ever stop and think if we are ever doing things out of love anymore? Out of pure childful love. Loving to slide down the slide. Loving to push the other on the swing because it made you happy. Loving to see your mom’s hair up. Loving to see your dad when he had a beard. Loving to see your sibling in your clothes. Loving to feel the sunshine by the pool. Loving your friends snacks because they were so much better than yours. Loving to simply live, because in the end that is all we have to do. Anyways-this piece really starts when I watched a boy eat a churro in a stroller at the San Diego Zoo. 

I was with someone who I have become close to in the past month and truly makes me happy. I’ve been working a lot on who I spend my time with, I know I am a natural introvert and I could honestly spend a week by myself and feel happy and full. I love alone time. I love me time. But as I enter a new space with new people it’s been hard to sense who I should dedicate my time too. I’ve realized in the past few weeks the people who I feel a connection with never feel like a waste of time-more of a gain of time. Because every second around them makes me feel like I am learning. Doing. And being. They add to my energy, and allow me to be myself, in fact-they push me to be myself-push me to discover more about myself through differences. I enjoy that. I am filled. 

It was Spring Equinox on the day we went to the zoo-and in my soul, it felt like summer. The sun was out. I used to go to the zoo when I was a kid with my grandparents over the summer. I felt happy. As we walked down the path of trees and monkeys I saw a five year old boy sitting in a stroller eating a churro. He was smiling. Cinnamon and sugar on his face. The paper crinkled in his hand. His eyes darted around as his fingers pointed to the animals. His body did a shimmy, a shake, a dance. He was happy. This kid was living. This kid was full of love. 

And I thought how great a churro is. I thought about how happy they made me as a kid. Warm dough and sweet cinnamon. I thought about how happy that churro is making that kid. And he’s happy-because he is simply knowing for now-he has a churro. He doesn’t get a churro every day, but he also knows churro’ aren't going anywhere. So, for these brief minutes while he has a churro, he is enjoying it-for it simply being churro. He is not enjoying it because he must eat a salad the next meal to “balance it out” he is not enjoying it because he hasn't eaten real bread in the past six months, or because he starved himself all day so the calories were worth it. He was enjoying it because he was at the zoo, with a churro, and that's it. 

And this made me smile and happy for two reasons. 

1. Children make me happy. Because children know life is awesome. I like to have a mindset of a child sometimes. Everything is new. We have nothing to lose.
2. Just like this kid. I felt I am finally at a place where I can enjoy the churro, the same exact way. 

Even a few months ago-a lot of how I still felt around food felt all or nothing. I was at a better place yes-but I still restored to a lot of my food rules in order to control something in my life as I adjusted to college. I claimed a lot of these things made me feel good or I simply didn’t crave them, but looking back I was still afraid to lose control of the few rules that allowed me “control” food in my life. No dairy ever! (I swore it made me congested) No meat! (I don’t crave it!) Vegetables at every meal for optimal nutrition! Never a dessert! Because I was afraid if I had one bite- a part of me that was still so hungry from my eighth and senior year-would want to eat the whole pint of ice cream because fuck it I’m already indulging. 

These past few months I’ve worked on changing that. Out of doing my best to live intuitively. 

I’ve realized having dairy here and there is actually not making me congested. I’m still not the biggest cheese fan in my burrito-or in general, but real yogurt is much better than dairy free ones. 

I’ve realized my body was craving some meat. I still really like tofu. I still don’t crave meat that much-but I really enjoyed having a few bites of a Shake Shack burger the other night. 

I realized it’s okay if my dinner one night was just pretzel bites and sour gummies at the movies as I watched Dune 2. I still love kale and broccoli and carrots-but pretzel bites are also delicious.

I’ve realized that having a milkshake doesn’t mean I need to also eat the oreos, cake, and cookies. In fact-sharing a milkshake with someone you care about makes it that much more enjoyable. And you feel emotionally and physically satisfied after. 

I thought about all of this as I watched that kid eat a damn churro. 

And then I went and saw elephants and meerkats. And they were beautiful. 

And then I went on a Gondola and saw San Diego sit below me-And I was scared. But it was beautiful. 

And when we agreed on soft serve for after the zoo I said yes. And as I ate it-I was happy. I was happy because the soft vanilla ice cream soothed my tongue and tasted of New York on a summer's day. I was happy because the crunchy cone tasted like Rite Aid after school got out. I was happy because I had ice cream in my hand. Full of dairy. Not full of vegetables. And I felt perfectly happy-and not in control-but not out of control either. Because like anything in life-I can’t control my food-and why should I? Let a churro be a churro-let ice cream be ice cream, let kale be kale, let hummus be hummus. It’s all so delicious. And I love it all. And I know the ice cream will be there tomorrow. And I know the lettuce will be there tomorrow. So I love it all. And I enjoy it all. 

I’ve been stretching these thoughts beyond food into the many other aspects that life holds as well. Because I think the point I am attempting at getting at-is this: I never want to cut my self off. I want to dip my toes into as many things as possible-not even dip. I want to plunge and pour myself into as many things as possible.

I might not like it all-but the point is discovery. 

I’ve been rock climbing and skating and taking some yoga classes with a new club. It’s fun and exciting and maybe I am not great at every single one but I am meeting new people.

I took a human nutrition class and I loved it more than anything. 

I took a math class and I learned some cool things. 

I’m saying yes to more dance classes out of my comfort zone to explore. 

I’m running, dancing, reading, writing, staying up late, sleeping in, waking up early, eating bagels, eating salads, working out, resting, spending time with friends, partying, joining new clubs, leaving old ones. 

I’m taking a few days off of working out because I can barely walk on my bruised knee and I know it will be ok. 

This means I’m taking a few days off of dancing too, that is also ok. 

I’m laying in the sun. 

And no-I am not saying this means you must say yes to everything and be a dare devil and jump off cliffs and sky dive and go to crazy parties and do crazy activities. 

I’m not saying that at all. 

What I’m processing in my mind that you as a reader may also want to process or have already processed, is that I am choosing to live life like that kid in that stroller eating the churro, but through my own way!

Everything is connected in a great big circle. That invisible string is not a theory. It is not invisible. We are stringing it all the time. And I have been loving to string it in new awesome ways. 

I love food. I love friends. I love family. I love dance. I love San Diego. I love UCSD. I love sunshine. I love runs. I love weights. I love sweat. I love books. I love words on paper. I love podcasts. I love movies. I love sleep. I love mornings. I love  time with you and you and you and you and you and you. I love the people I know. I love the people I love. I love trees. I love dogs. I love being drunk sometimes. I love being high sometimes. I love being sober. I love that I can chop my hair and it will grow back. I love olipops. I love workout sets. I love youtube. I love vanilla soft serve. And I love churros.