how to wait for sun

The day started with clouds and a tight chest. I walked through heavy doors and stood in the outside. It made me wet and cold. And no sunlight came into my eyes. The day started with clouds… and I hacked up thick pools of mucus. 

The coffee lady was nice.

And I almost got a free chai with whole milk until they realized I had almond.

Watery almonds that dilute the coffee I sip on. But I love my watery almonds. 

And I moved my body and it felt good. 

I spiraled in and out and created folds with my legs. 

The day started with clouds. And then the sun peaked through in the middle of downtown San Diego and I let myself work on a screen as sun came into my eyes and I drid from the morning dew. 

I felt weights in my brain and I wanted to get them off. 

I felt voices in my ears and I wanted you to hear them. 

I saw birds dance and little kids scream and I wanted you to feel them. 

I wanted you to feel me-even just through a screen. 

And the constant buzz did not stop.

It repeated 25 times.

And the moon remained empty. 

I shut it off to leave me more surprised when it’s full and bright.

But it also tends to leave me more empty when I can’t read a thing. 

I don’t understand those number and letters and my brain hurts from trying to see the positives and negatives so I asked a computer for the answer-and at 6:00 when I supposed to try again, I realized my microphone was for everyone to hear, and the words explaining how to become attracted and make things disappear left my stomach wanting fries and chicken tenders.

But I had pasta at home. 

I looked at the pentagon. I wanted to destroy them. I wanted to be them. And chemistry made me mad.

4 weeks is so short. 

And that's good and bad.

Because your words felt so short today. And it’s already been 3 months. 

What am I supposed to do with 4 weeks?

I can’t wait to get out.

I can't wait to stay.

Escaping feels terrifying, and I only feel safe in your arms.

What am I supposed to do with 4 weeks?

The day started with clouds.

And I only have 30 days left.

Please let them be filled with your sun. 

I keep repeating in my head:

It’s coming it’s coming it’s coming. When I least expect it. 

The moon will be full.

My words will have an end.

The 25 will become mine to pick up.

The waiting will become doing.

The clouds will clear. The clouds will clear. The clouds will clear.