Speaking with the Higher-Ups

In my stomach, there are knotts. My saliva feels thick and heavy as it pools in my mouth no matter how many times I swallow. My hands clam up, my thigh jiggles with the constant tapping of my foot. I am immersed by a withering feeling of unease. Knowing that there is an unavoidable path I must take, where I can only pray that there is light on the other side. 

Rituals. Religions. Practices. 

I put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly, and take 3 slow deep breaths with my eyes closed as I imagine a show stopping performance. I pray to the dance gods. 

I write a whole page in my notebook manifesting a safe flight and speak as if I already landed in the location. I tap the plane twice before I board. I pray to the plane gods. 

I make sure to use a fresh new pen, and do a 10 minute visualization meditation of succeeding my upcoming test. I pray to the academic gods. 

I knock on wood three times whenever there is a chance of jinxing something. I have a very lengthy vision board routine with each new year (this gets very specific-I do not wish to get into it for personal and spiritual reasons!) And recently I attempt not to split any poles when I’m walking with someone (this gets extremely difficult with a group). 

Call them routines, superstitions, or stupid beliefs, but in times of uncertainty and unanswered questions. I pray, I believe, and I trust in something higher than me. 

I didn’t grow up in any particular religion-but am extremely grateful to have always been surrounded by friends and family who are a part of multiple different belief systems. I had some Christian friends when I was younger where we prayed before each meal. I had some family members who I joined along in going to church with from time to time. I went to school with Mormons, Buddhists, and Jews, and have read multiple books that lean towards the more hippy woo woo side of things.

At one point, I remember my younger brother going through a pretty intense “God phase” (as we referred to it). At the ripe age of seven, he would pray before every dinner and talk about his conversations with God. I even attended a church camp with him for a week and participated in bible readings and church seminars. Quite the experience. 

I remember being extremely immersed in all these different belief systems. I don’t really remember feeling an intense liking or disliking to any of them-instead a hunger and curiosity into how these different people surrounding me lived. 

I was curious about the different bible verses I would hear of-curious of the missions my Mormon friends' parents went on, curious of the four  truths of the Buddha, and curious of those who believed in nothing else but the living cell. 

I never felt a strong urge to be a part of any particular group, always-just the inkling to know more. Even today- this curiosity eats at me- I love dipping my toes into all the religious buckets.

If you look through my following on Instagram or Youtube, what you might find may seem… questionable. 

I follow a Mormon mom who has 8 kids and lives on a farm in Utah.

I follow a few Christian girls who like to go to church every Sunday. 

I follow yogis from Australia who hold breath-work retreats. 

I follow ex-Mormons who host funny podcasts. 

I follow scientists that believe in nothing but the law of numbers. 

And I find comfort in the way they all navigate their life. 

I don’t really know what I believe in, but I really enjoy the security in believing in something when everything is explained by nothing. I actually find it quite beautiful learning about all these different religions-and attempting to know the ins and outs of all of them,**** because I think they all center on love in an attempt to find comfort and safety in the future. 

And before all the Atheists come out and try to cancel all these systems of beliefs stating “there is no evidence, the universe is a system of random, there is no one God in the sky, and astrology is a load of crap!” I  would first like to invite any Atheist to have a more open mind, and also be aware that at least from my perspective, they too-have a belief system. 

As much as science is based on discovering the truth and facts and what not- I believe that good science centers on ambiguity and the openness to change. At the end of the day- much of life is extremely unexplainable and sometimes the only way we can find comfort in the why of things happening is knowing that fate, God’s plan, the after life, or whatever one believes-will lead us to some type of peace, nirvana, and answer. 

Whether the answer is answered or not is a different story, but I think we all have certain moments in our life where we discover the invisible string that led one to our particular person, the miraculous A+ on the test we never studied that hard for, or the serendipitous miracle of any kind that leaves our eyes in awe. And when these wishes happen to come true, we thank God, we thank the universe, we thank the path of our unique life, because the only answer for why these things happen, is the mysterious spirit guiding us through the unknown. 

And although I don't really believe in one particular thing or being-I honestly really enjoy having something-anything to rest my heart on. Because at the end of the day-even if it’s a load of crap-it’s freeing to know that maybe with every decision I make-it all leads to my greatest desires, even if I’m fully unaware of them right now. 

Whatever religion or belief system one falls under-I suggest that we try and listen and experience the lives of those who believe in something else. 

Christians speak with Atheists, Mormons speak with Buddhists, Islamics speak with Astrologists, Atheists speak with Muslims, Agnostics speak with a variety of believers. Agree to disagree. 

Open your heart. Open your mind. 

Because in the end, we all have the same questions, and none of us have the fucken answers. 

So, until someone can provide me with those-I will continue to knock on wood, read The Celestine Prophecy, and follow the Mormon moms on Instagram. 

****

Now hold your houses-I am not speaking about the people who use the religion as a form of hate or exclusion-this is not what this piece is focusing on-and for that matter-I will choose to not focus on it.