Remember That Compost Turns Into a Tree

I’ve always considered myself an optimist. 

Although I am aware of the many things that can be improved in this world, and the realism of grief, I have made it a conscious effort to always find the good and to believe that in the end-there is a happy ending. 

I believe overall humanity is improving. If you were to go up to anyone and ask them if they would want to live 30, 80, 200, 1000 years ago with all that was happening (more death, less rights to minorities, no showers, no social media, no real housewives etc), very few people would choose to live then compared to now. 

While there are some things that may seem like they are worse, especially in relation to climate change, capitalism, consumption etc, I am still of the belief that more people are becoming aware of these problems, and that we do have the power and ability to make change, and at the very least: adapt. 

The past few weeks I have been struggling with this outlook. 

Or maybe a harder time comprehending the uncertainty of life.

Maybe just a hard time comprehending life in general. 

This piece will not be a replay of all the awful things happening in the world, nor a personal reflection of difficult things in my life recently. Because we always hear about the bad things in the news: more pollution, natural disasters, politics, plane and car crashes, missing people, sudden deaths etc. And everyone is also going through their own hard time: burnout, death, breakups, bad grades, discrimination, etc all can feel heavy, intense and heart breaking in their own ways.

It’s all very overwhelming. 

This piece will more be a general stream of consciousness, a process of the dichotomy, the uncertainty, the confusion, in hopes to find beauty once again. 

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1. What we don’t control.

It’s scary to think about all the random chain of events that could happen to absolutely   anyone that no one has control over. There is no way of stopping or predicting it. Shit just happens to everyone. Sometimes I find myself spiraling down dark rabbit holes of all the possibilities of the scariest things that can happen to me or someone I love at any moment. 

1. Feeling helpless.

The world is very big and there are lots of problems. Even small habits can start to feel  really hard to keep doing-when everything around the world seems to be falling apart. 

1. When things are seeming to go backwards.

I’m guessing we can all feel that most of this can be related to the presidency. It’s hard      when it feels like we have worked so hard at making progress, and all of that can be switched by one signature. 

1. Burnout

Sometimes I am walking to my next class, eating the same bowl of oatmeal, or pulling out my computer to read yet another article, and it feels that I am trapped in my own Groundhog Day. I look around and can only feel the mundane of life. How am I supposed to keep going each day like this? And once I am done with school a search for a job begins? Is everyday really the same? And how am I supposed to take on more than I already have? My match begins to reach its end. 

1. Confusions. Flipflop. Distancey. WHAT??? IS??? LIFE???????? !!!!!

Sometimes there are no words to describe these complex feelings. At times when I am in a large social setting, a wave of sadness washes over me. It seems I have become swallowed in blue muck. All I want to do is scream. I look around at everyone trapped in their own world knowing each one has their own issues. But our bubbles make us feel so separate. It feels like we are all just slowly turning into compost. 

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I could go on and on. Ultimately I think these feelings circle back to feeling lost, confused, and in deep pain, whatever that may feel like for an individual- we all feel these emotions at some point. 

In the depths it feels impossible to move through them-to imagine a world where everything is ok again. But as with everything: time eventually passes. The storm will turn into rays of sunlight. 

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These are some practices that helped me. 

Accepting: knowing that what I was feeling was valid, true, and real. I experienced these emotions fully. 

Doing nothing: I didn’t have an answer on how to solve them right away. And that’s ok. 

Venting: Even if the words didn’t make sense, releasing them to people I am close to made me realize that 1. Oh shit-we are all feeling this way. And 2. It feels good just to get it off my chest and into the open. 

Watching Ira Glass: I went to a live Ira Glass show with a good friend. (I am a big fan of Ira and This American Life). This was nothing groundbreaking-it just made me realize that yes-life is beautiful, there are awesome things in this world, people care people care people care. 

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Maybe the greatest cure of all is to be surrounded by fellow humans. In our tears, in our smiles, in our laughter, in our hugs.

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I swayed in my dance teacher’s embrace one night in rehearsal  for 5 straight minutes. All we were told to do was hug. I felt I was in my mothers arms-protected, held, and loved.

Loved.

Loved. 

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Allow yourself to love.