Finding the Lake

When I was 10 years old on a June Lake trip with my family we chose to do a 3 mile round trip hike. The reviews described it as “moderately difficult” and “slightly” uphill. We are an outdoorsy family, enjoy a challenge, and are always down for a good hike, especially in June Lake… and bonus points because this one supposedly ended with a swim. So we packed the snacks and water, got the dogs leashed up, and threw our swimsuits on beneath our clothes. Let the journey begin. 

I remember it didn’t start off bad at all, normal hike, little bit of a climb, but hey that's what hikes are for. However, at some point-it started to get very, very, very steep and very, very, very hot. So steep we were pulling our way up onto rocks and so hot…that well…I was sweating and wanted to hike only in my swimsuit. 

I don’t consider myself a complainer and never really was as a kid-none of my siblings were. Maybe it was the gymnastics or ballet conditioned into me, but I always kept quiet in times of challenge, I wanted to push myself beyond my limits. 

Needless to say, this hike was pushing me-and I was not staying silent, “How many miles left?” “Are we almost there???” “THIS IS NOT MODERATELY DIFFICULT!!!!!”. We took breaks to fuel up and received words of encouragement from hikers on the way down: “Keep going! The lake makes it all so worth it!” 

“It better”,  my 10 year old self thought.

 So for 1.5 miles (I know not that long, but trust me it felt like an ultramarathon for my underdeveloped brain). I climbed, huffed, puffed, (slightly whined), and told myself to keep going. 

I remember coming around the last bend and seeing the great blue water beneath. Phew the lake did exist. The thought of fresh icy water hitting our overheated bodies put some extra pep in our step and we ended up jogging to get to the water. We stripped into our swimsuits screaming with glee, the dogs were let off leash and we all ran into the blue lagoon.

As the water painted my skin I felt nothing but joy. It’s hard to beat that feeling.

We jumped off a dock in the middle of the lake, swam for hours, tanned on the rocks and enjoyed our post hike snacks. 

I remember thinking I would do that hike again and again to immerse myself in the feelings I was experiencing. I would climb hill after hill to jump into the water of fulfillment. 

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I have thought about this hike for the past few weeks because quite honestly I feel like I am walking through all the shrubs, trees and bushes and only getting met with dead ends.

I’ve always thought of myself as having multiple tentacles of passion. I have found it difficult to stick to one or few things and decide that that will be what I pursue. What I have enjoyed the most is constantly trying new activities and professions, learning something new, and finding joy in the curiosity of wanting to discover more. 

I consider this a strength of mine, but there have been certain moments in my life where I wish I would have just stuck to one path… the pressing thought seeps into my brain: how much further could I have gotten if I didn’t have myself committed to so many other interests?

If I didn’t quit ballet when I was 7 ½ would I be in a company right now? If I choose to stick with lacrosse throughout high school would I have my college tuition paid for on scholarship? Why didn't I just major in dance? Why aren’t I doing more marketing jobs? Should my career be in food instead?

These past few weeks, these thoughts have been quite loud. To be honest, I have found myself trapped in a comparison mindset with many of my peers. Feeling they are receiving opportunity after opportunity that aligns so strongly with their major, job, and passion while I seem to have doors shutting in my face with each knock.

No. No. No.

Lots of No’s

Last week I cried in the bathroom asking the universe for some type of yes, somewhere, a sign that at least I am going on a path meant for me. 

After a talk with my parents over facetime, some ranting to friends, and a good journal session I realized I was doing exactly what I don’t want to do.

Shoving myself in a box and trying to make my path the flattest possible route.

I realized three things at this moment. 

1. Whenever I feel most confused or lost in my life thinking I’ve made all the wrong decisions, I always end up on an unexpected road that pours out possibilities I never thought were possible. New friendships, passions, hobbies, ambitions. And when I look back-it always makes sense. Cliche I know, the classic “everything is leading you where you need to go” bla bla bla, but an easy one to forget.
2. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Yes.. another cliche, but they are cliches for a reason! It sometimes takes me a minute to remind myself that we all feel that we are never doing enough and everyone around us is doing so much more and so much better. It’s an easy hole to fall into and consumes my every thought and action-but this is a dangerous path to go down, as I start leading every decision I make not with love, but with fear. I start running myself into a wall, trying to climb up a cliff that leads to no resolution.
3. A lake is on the horizon. I hate hikes that are flat and long. (Ok hate is a strong word) but it’s much less satisfying reaching the end point of a trail that felt like a leisurely walk in the park. The best hikes are most often grueling and relentless. And so is life. Challenge after challenge hits all of us. But how boring is it to give up on a hike halfway through and decide to walk on the road instead? 

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I have felt so drawn to do so many things. And the “nos” I have been met with are not end points, but merely pivots and pauses on my path. A chance for me to sip some water and snack on some peanuts, to pause to look at the view and rub myself in the dirt I have fallen in. Because in all honesty-I love every part of my life right now-and the only thing I want to do is keep exploring everything I love. 

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We all have a lake at the end of our journey. Don’t forget to admire the beauty on your path. Even if you are face planted into the muddy dirt. Roll in it. Be in it. You are shitfaced for a reason. Your dip in the blue lagoon will feel 1000 times better when you know even despite every fall, every wrong turn, every time you almost quit, you kept going.

Have confidence in your choices.

If you make them out of love and curiosity, I strongly believe you’ll find your way home.