Belonging

The feeling is pasted within me.

Walking into a room full of strangers as a young kid. My mom telling me she will be there after class. My heart begins to race and my cheeks flush with embarrassment. The other kids in the class are mushed together like a little colony, they seem to buzz with electricity. I’m unsure of how I should act because everything I do feels like the wrong move.

“Don’t pick at yourself too much or you seem nervous.”

“Don’t try and do anything too crazy though or else you’ll look cocky-or stupid-or both.”

“Don’t stand there. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU LOOK COOL.”

“Wait, not that that makes you look stupid.”

“Wait what if that spot is taken.”

“Should I stretch or is that annoying?”

“Oh God. They all hate me. They all think I’m an idiot. I do not belong. “

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Whether it was your first dance, soccer, music, or art class I guarantee we all remember this feeling when we were a kid. The painful nerves of the first class, that desire to want to fit in and be a pro so badly, yet everything you do seems like a wrong move. 

Imposter syndrome. 

Funnily enough this feeling does not go away when we grow older-if anything-it seems to haunt us more as that child-like curiosity and fearlessness leaves us. 

Whether I am starting a new job, entering the first day of school or trying a new hobby I can’t help but have the lingering and growing thoughts in my head screaming that everyone knows what they are doing but me.

But  

May I remind us of the paradox of this syndrome?

We all feel this way.

And yet, we all are still here.

We all still go there. 

We show up. 

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I’ve been feeling this imposter syndrome extra hard lately. I’ve also noticed how it begins to snowball into anxiety as well, as I begin to imagine the worst possible scenarios. For example, Getting gas for the first time-even though I knew what I was doing, I couldn’t help but feel the whole time that I was doing everything so wrong, and everyone around me knew that I was doing it wrong, and then suddenly the car would blow up and welp, that’s the end of that. 

I went rock climbing at a new gym after taking a month or so off, the whole time I felt like everyone knew I was doing no good. 

Surfing especially. WHEW. This one makes me want to crawl into a hole every time I paddle out and begin to get washing machined by the waves. It’s why I prefer to do it with friends who are more experienced. 

Anyways, Even though these feelings are hard, scary, and overwhelming here are some things that have helped me to calm myself down so it doesn’t spiral into an anxiety attack and make me have more fun anyways becaus #yolo and #noonecares and #weareallhuman

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1. Take 3 big, slow, deep breaths.
2. Smile and laugh at myself
3. Remind myself that it’s not about me and actually wait-no one seems to be looking at me at all. 
4. Remind myself I am just doing it for fun, there is no pressure.
5. If I am at a higher stake situation (interview, audition etc) I always know what is meant for me will come. I only show up as my most authentic self, showing who Catalina is, if I face rejection I am being redirected to my most divine path. 

Be embarrassed every once in a while. But don’t let it spiral into a self fulfilling prophecy of never belonging and never feeling that you are good enough. 

Be yourself. Try new things. Have fun.