I was reading a book the other day and it asked me a question
“What was your first memory when you knew what you wanted to be when you grew up?”
I paused.
Writer? No.
Dancer? No.
Journalist? No.
Lawyer? No.
All the careers that popped into my head were ones that I thought of later-once I felt the pressure of society telling me what I should be doing. How long has this noise been in my head? How long have I been silencing what I actually desire?
The book offered a list of questions as journal prompts to reflect on your dream career as a kid and now, my first instinct was to brush past them, to keep reading and then go back to them later (even though I knew that would be unlikely), but I stopped myself. No Catalina. Take the time to pause, think, ponder, what was my first thought of “Yes, I want to do this when I’m older”.
I snuggled up close to the ground. My stomach laid against the warm sand of Torrey Pines Beach and the sun burned my ass from above.
I let my mind hit rewind.
The first memory that popped into my head was journaling. From the moment I learned how to write I kept a daily journal: I would fill each of these with brain dumps, short stories, poems and thoughts, a treat whenever I got to look back on them many years later. I always enjoyed the essence of writing, I think it’s what inspired me to start this blog in the first place. There is something so freeing about writing everything you can’t say, and throwing it out into the abyss, for no one, or someone to read, you almost become detached from the work, letting it live without you.
Ok so 1. Writing.
Another memory that flooded me was cooking. My love for food has been with me since I was splattering yogurt all over my face and belly as a baby, falling off a chair while eating pasta as a toddler, cooking in the kitchen with my grandma and gardening with my dad in adolescence, and making my own food account on social media as a teen/adult. While my relationship to food has not always been easy, my love for cooking has never faded, even in the years where I would deprive myself of the joy of eating because of my eating disorder, all I wanted to do was feed and cook for others. This love for food has transformed into discovering my love for health and nutrition. The power of whole ingredients, high quality meals, and connection to the growth of food is something that everyone should have access to. The fire and love for cooking is something I want to tend to more and more each day.
Number 2. Cooking.
One of the last set of vivid pictures that I remembered was my desire to be a mother. To caretake, to hold a baby, to play and be with children period. I have always felt so fulfilled when I give and receive love from a child. For as long as I can remember what has felt natural and desirable to me was to be a mother. It has always been a chapter of my life that I look forward to, where I know I’ll feel a strong sense of purpose, love, and joy. I have always wanted to be a mom when I grow up.
Number 3. Mothering.
-
The truth is, I have never known what I have wanted to be when I grow up. It’s always changing. I used to think maybe a nurse, then a lawyer, then a lacrosse player, then a dancer, then a journalist, then a media and marketing director, then a personal trainer, then a chef, then… I don’t know what.
I do know I have a desire to make people feel good through movement, to show that there is a way to transform your mental and physical health through fitness. I do know I have a desire to change our food system. In whatever capacity that means. I do know I love sharing content through videos and posts-to hopefully inspire people to move and fuel themselves out of love, I do know I have this desire to start something of my own: a fitness app, a sustainable food business, a podcast…all of the above…
I’ve always thought that my dream career was a reflection of what I want-but I think a part of myself was always doing it for someone else. I know a lot of people believe that career and passion must be separate, and maybe that works for some or to an extent, but at the same time, I know that I want to do something that ignites fire within me each day. I want to do something that brings people joy, inspires people to move their body, plant their hands in soil, and feed themselves with home cooked meals.
I don’t know what exactly it means yet.
But right now it means to keep working on the things that fuel that fire.
Writing. Moving. Cooking. Creating. Loving.
-
A journal prompt for you:
What was your first memory of knowing what you wanted to be when you grew up? Or even more simply put: forget everything-what do you REALLY want to be when you grow up?
Add comment
Comments