i am here. i am now. i am here. i am now. i am here. i am now. my brain feels full of imaginary worlds that are all mine, i feel so at home again, at peace, at peace with myself, with my body with my mind with my spirit. i feel full of connection, ready to embrace change as it comes, yet also ready to appreciate the unchanging-the inner peace and quiet that rises within me every day. At the beginning of here, i felt filled with stress-the idea of trying to be with everyone filled me with anxiety. i felt myself stretched across two different paths-fearing if i did not choose the right one, the trees of possibilities would shrink into the vastness of never being.
It’s strange to see how my life could be going in two separate directions.
i had them both in front of me.
i could choose the life of the sister. Commit myself to a group-to a belonging-to a pack. In all honesty i’m sure a lot of my anxieties would be solved. i would love who i would be surrounded by-i would create memories filled with people i love. i would feel like i belong.
but i could not commit myself to something like that-when i think of myself whole. i am not a trunk. but a tree that’s roots grow in many directions, and whose branches are always growing new leaves. i know my cup of words and smiles would eventually become empty each day. i know the laughter i would screech would be only real half the time. i know the dress would feel like a foreign entity, and my body-mind-and spirit not my own.
on my other path i saw evolving-the multiple branches that can cross and come together. plants don’t grow along-but amognst each other instead. they communicate just like us.
the anxiety of paths no longer pains me.
because it is not about choosing.
it is about being. where i am. it is about doing what i love. it is about creating life that fills me.
sometimes that might be my dinner alone while i watch my favorite rom com
sometimes that might be a drink of poison to make me stumble down a hill.
sometimes that might be a movie and shared food with those i love.
sometimes that might be entangled with my other.
sometimes that might be a dunk under the ocean blue as our laughs get drowned by the waves.
sometimes that might be a train ride home.
i follow it all. because all are my heart. all are me. all are all are all are.
everything is small-even the big.
as i lay in the circle of ritual. in my circle of fire. the smoke sings my song.
i walk barefooted. i climb rocks when i see the wall. i dive under waves of destruct-yet jump through them as well. i stop to hold hands. to smile at our vines intertwining with each other.
mine. yours. ours.
my path weaves. my path braids. past and future. as i am the present.
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