circle circle

With my eyes closed. I breathe in. 

I fill my body with air and let my stomach expand into a balloon. 

I remember the first time Kara told me we were all breathing wrong.

“Why are you sucking in when you inhale?” she asked us in my first jazz class here. “Fill up fill up fill up. Take space. Expand.”

I am expanding in all directions, my roots grow out and intertwine with others, that is what holds me stable. 

I breathe out-and let my stomach collapse in. 

Three slow deep breaths. 

Before the world awakes-with my pumpkin lit candle, as I inhale the scent of essential oils in my palms. 

I touch my head. 

May my mind expand with ever growing knowledge. 

I touch my mouth. 

May my mouth speak words of truth and wisdom

I touch my heart. 

And may my heart lead me down my path of love and light. 

Thank you universe. Thank you ancestors. Thank you.

-

As I’ve adjusted to my life back in San Diego-I am reminded of why I feel so grounded here. I feel so deeply connected with my why-and so deeply connected with the multitude of people who surround me-mostly I am recognizing the importance of presence, grounding, and intentional living. I think I can narrow this down to a few reasons. 

1. Treasuring Community, who am I surrounded by? Do they inspire me?
2. Having more things to do makes my little moments greater
3. Look out at the water. Everything is water.
4. Everything is small
5. Move from my foundations-improve through inspiration. 

I used to be concerned with always DOING something. I felt an internal battlefield within me-if I was not doing and performing to my capability of what I thought was successful or according to my own timeline-then I was falling behind.

I’ve come around to learn that forcing actions of what I think is right-often falls apart into mental breakdowns, confusion, and self depercration. Things fall apart-instead of adding up. 

There is no timeline. 

My own path is constantly transforming because each step I take-opens doors of possibility. My own being makes the doing. The doing naturally falls after. I now live with the intentional thought of how can I be my most true self  in this moment? What is working? What is blocking me?

From there- all else comes. 

1. Treasuring Community, who am I surrounded by? Do they inspire me?

I went through a big portion of freshman year in college being  by myself and treasuring time with family. I decided at this time I wasn't going to wallow in FOMO. I really did not feel it at all. I knew eventually my college experience would be filled with constant plans and never ending things to do-so I decided to enjoy this transition period of independence and self reflection and really focused on nurturing relationships with my family.

I would spend weekends at my grandparents and aunt either in Escondido or Valley Center cooking, doing laundry. and watching movies. I always felt close with both my grandparents-but being so close to them in college has allowed me to open up doors of conversations with them that has deepened our relationship. 

I also found myself going home a lot. Seeing my parents gave me comfort. And I learned to appreciate my little mountain town of Altadena. 

Now-as I experience my second year here at UCSD, I am really valuing the power of connections on all levels. 

I love each little friendship corner I have fostered. 

Whether that is rock climbing, hiking, swimming, cooking, relaxing, studying, hugging, dancing, partying whatever. Each moment feels special. Each connection has an impact on me-each person has an impact on me. Who I am surrounded by fosters my own growth and positive change. 

What I've realized comes first before all these relationships can solidify is my own relationship with myself. Although I am always discovering new forms of being, and new ways to improve and change-I know that who I am connecting with also reflects my own being. I enjoy to be around people who inspire me to do and be new things-while also have the space to feel and be my own authentic self. 

1. Having more things to do makes my little moments greater

I struggled a lot this summer with feeling like I was doing nothing. After New York that weird awkward period of summer came. Many of my friends had already moved back, my parents had to start school, and sometimes LA makes it more difficult to make plans. 

My days consisted of much of the same routine but I felt such a lack of fulfillment. I didn't have much to do so much of my time was occupied on my phone and overthinking EVERYTHING. 

I enjoy being busy because it gives less time for my brain or my thoughts to overtake.

I only have time to act and do. 

Being back in the groove of classes, work, extracurriculars, job searches, and socializing makes my moments of mediation, journaling, self reflection, and dates alone so much more valuable, so much more whole, and so much more intentional. I’m doing these acts out of the gratitude that I have the time and space to do them. 

1. Look out at the water. Everything is water.

When my breath feels tight and constricted. When my mind feels overwhelmed with the amount of have tos. Or when I simply feel not in my body -I take myself to water. 

I bike to Gliderport and look out at the view of vast blue.

I jump into the waves of Scripps or La Jolla Shores. 

I dance the ways of the Oshun and Orisha. The ways of water.

Maybe it’s the magnesium. Maybe it’s the salty clear air. The water clears me. I am reminded that  my problems are not that large-and everything-everything has meaning. It will work out in the end. 

1. Everything is small

In my dance performance lab this quote was read and it stuck with me. So I wanted to share. 

“Small is good. Small is all. (The large is a reflection of the small).” (Emergent Strategy pg 41 by Adrienne Maree Brown.)

1. Move from my foundations-improve through inspiration. 

This pillar has mostly been inspired by what I’ve learned in the dance department here. The Dance Faculty: Kara Mack, Ana Maria Alavrez, Duante, Baba and the amazing guests they have invited have-I felt-brought me back to my roots. A lot of what I'm working in the dance studio: moving from my foundations, rooting in the movement of our ancestors, and filling up space with community connection and love  has stretched into my daily practices of being.

It all circles back in the end. 

To connections.
To rooting. 

To being. 

Working on the small-to inspire the large.  

-

It feels good to be back.