Body of Gratitude

The body I held of holidays years ago was a vessel for addiction, aplace holder for hate, and a loop of comparison. 

In the past these times of year that were filled with rich meals and homemade desserts were a way for me to escape what I thought were my rules-only to enter myself into a dungeon. 

I looked forward to the cheeses crackers pies and cookies I never let myself have on a "normal" day so I they became worth it the day of. 

I would wake up and challenge myself to see how long I could go without a meal before the feast began. In my mind I was saving space. I was winning. I was beating myself from the year before and the year before that. 

I wanted everything to taste good. To be perfect. After all who know when the next piece of apple pie and ice cream was going to be?  I would force myself to have a second dinner roll even though I was stuffed because  I didn't eat breakfast so it all equals out. Although my body physically would want me to stop-mentally and emotionally I was starved. So I kept returning to food on these few glorious days out of the year-not actually tasting it-not having gratitude from where it came from-but thinking if I had one more slice of cake, one more scoop of potatoes, one more serving of pasta-I could be filled with something to make me feel some type of satisfaction . 

While my family and friends filled around me-all I could focus on was food. When would the next meal be? What should I eat so it's not too much-but I still can indulge? What is everyone else eating? I've gained weight from this one meal haven't I?

On a day I convinced myself that I was being filled with gratitude. I was only swirling in the selfish thoughts of myself. And at the end of the day-instead of feeling happy from the family I saw or the memories that were made-my thoughts circled on how much I could have eaten differently to not feel this way, and all that I will do tomorrow to shed what I have put on.

Thanksgiving's history is one filled with the pain, torment, and genocide of others. And while today, many of us convince ourselves we are being filled with gratitude and joy, I often hear more self depreciating or hateful comments than those filled with thanks. 

We complain over all the food that there is.

We waste over half of it that it is made.

We stress over not being a good enough host. 

We feel we are not good enough in our bodies.

We walk away feeling sluggish, peeved, annoyed, begging for the day to be over, so we can press restart tomorrow. 

 While we are smushed together in a physical space. Our minds remain separate-filled with all we wish we could change-with real gratitude far from our thoughts. 

I'm not attempting to say that this is every family's Thanksgiving or gathering-but the theme present across space and time is reoccurring- so I asked myself this year-what are ways I can actually feel gratitude within myself and others-and how can that be shared to those who surround me?

1. Look at food as a gift. Something that deeply nourishes and feeds your soul, mind, and body. Let yourself enjoy the yumminess of what you actually want-and respect when it says-thank you I am filled that is enough.

2. Write down a gratitude list. But actually feel it. Get specific, and consider what it adds to your life. 

3. Get outside. A hike in the morning. A walk at night. Take in the scents of nature and remember all the Mother Earth offers. 

4. Take in the voices and bodies of those who surround you-give them a hug.

5........... a space for you to add. 

This doesn't have to just apply to Thanksgiving-maybe just family gatherings in general. Whatever the case is... I wanted to share the time where this holiday and others were more complex and difficult for me. In the case it feels heavy or stressful for others too.  And to know there are ways to create change. I'm happy to say that this year, I ate breakfast that fueled me. I snaked on parts of the charcuterie  board I know I would enjoy, I filled my plate and ate til I was happily satisfied and took my time with the meal, and I enjoyed the delicacy of desserts. Knowing I could always come back to them a different day.

To end it off I invite anyone to read the Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address - Greetings to the Natural World: 

https://americanindian.si.edu/environment/pdf/01_02_Thanksgiving_Address.pdf 

A good reminder for all that we already have, and all we will have constantly in our lives.