I have been thinking for the past few weeks of a great thing to write about.
I have been thinking of the past few weeks of a great video to make.
A lot of the times-when I pull out my phone to record-or start typing-it doesn't feel like I am doing it for me any more.
In terms of videos-It doesn't necessarily feel like I am not putting out authentic content. I share my recipes, workouts and days in the life-and I truly feel like as a concept as a whole I am sharing all the things that I love. Because when I get down to the core of it-I just want to share the habits and rituals that make me feel good in college, the knowledge I have surrounding food, the joy movement makes me feel.
But I don’t feel like I am executing it to my fullest extent. I don’t feel like I am sharing the true Catalina behind the screen.
What I mean-is I feel like I am doing it for others. I'm worried what people will enjoy, if I edit like this ill it go viral, do people just think I am cringe? ANd then to compromise-I begin to look at others on the screen and feel the need to display my content like them.
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With writing it feels different-in some ways I think my most authentic self is shared through my writing because it truly feels like the people who read this-know me best. I don’t really pay attention to it once I put it out there-and I hope it can give people a peek behind the curtain into all the human emotions we feel. But sometimes, I put pressure on myself to write something so great that I think people will want to read-but then I start typing and it doesn't feel like me at all (hence the no blog post in 4 weeks…)
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I have this idea that I need to have everything figured out right now. Perfect grades, perfect social life, perfect finances, perfect work life balance, perfect health, ultimate confidence, clear skin. And yeah-maybe social media does play a part in this. I follow lots of young women in their mid to late 20’s, I listen to lots of podcasts of adults well into their career, I read lots of books on how to biohack your life and so on. And on the screen-it seems like they all have it figured out.
So when I try to eat the right way, pursue my creative endeavors, reach out to the right companies, and meditate and journal every morning, I still don’t feel great a lot of the time. I feel mad and confused.
I feel mad that I didn’t get the dream internship last summer when I put so much work into networking and applying beforehand.
I feel mad that some days I still look in the mirror and hate certain parts of my body.
I feel mad when a dangerous thought around food circulates in my brain.
I feel mad when I can’t do all the things I want to do with my friends.
I feel mad when one video gets not as many insights as I thought when a video two days ago performed well.
I feel mad when I get a pimple.
I feel mad when I spend too long scrolling instead of walking outside, journaling, and doing something creative with my time.
I feel mad when I don’t have it all right now-when everyone that I seem to look up to has it all.
The skin, the confidence, the money, the family, the friends, the job.
I feel mad.
So then I start searching for exterior ways to improve myself-instead of looking at all that I already have and do.
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But of course-here is where I have to remind both myself and you-
That it’s ok-more than ok-GOOD actually to not have it all, and, if we all must remember:
No one has it all. And we never will.
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If anything-this just feels like a great thing to get off my chest. I know these are all phrases we hear all the time-but sometimes it takes typing it out or actually speaking it out loud to someone for us to realize it.
I want to keep making videos that feel good to my soul-that show the authentic me.
I want to keep writing all the things that circulate my mind-because I know those are the pieces that often resonate with the most people.
I know no matter how hard I try, I still won’t have everything.
But at the same time-I will always have more than enough.
Don’t we all?
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When a loved one dies, when you lose a home, when you are stripped of something that was such a part of your life, or even didn’t get something you thought you wanted.
You actually find what you need the most you already have. A community. Love. Family. Friends. Creative outlets. Books. Comfort TV. Food.
And a lot of awesome stuff is often just around the corner.
When your head is buried in the weeds, you will only see just that. Weeds upon weeds upon weeds. The flowers seem scarce.
But when you look from above and enjoy the diverse forest you are in-you’ll begin to notice the bees, birds, plants, bugs, and dirt as well.
Maybe you didn't even need the flowers in the first place.
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